Southern Charm Recap: Family Vacation

The opening scene of this episode really threw me. Who is that fine, shirtless man pushing a Jeep with Rod? Holy shit, it’s an incredibly ripped JT, who is now apparently Don Jr’s “after” picture. I thought for a minute that I was going to have to like Mini-a-Lago, but then he tried to do his awful Jamaican accent while saying, “Jamaica, mon,” and it was whiter than the Abominable Snowman playing prep-school lacrosse, and my urges wilted like a month-old orchid.

Yes, the cast is going on a trip to Jamaica, the first cast trip for this crew that I can remember since supervillain Ashley was still trying to claw her way to fame with the disgraced Thomas Ravenel. It’s supposed to be a trip for the Charleston crew to spend more time with Craig’s girlfriend, Paige, so that he can convince her to move to Charleston full-time. (Don’t do it, Paige!) He invites everyone and then calls Paige to ask if she wants to go away for three days next week. (Of course, this trip is free because it is during the middle of the week. Also, the summer? In the Caribbean? Really?) Paige says she has too much work and can’t make it. I guess these two aren’t on the same page. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know. I tried very hard to resist it, but just because you aren’t a father doesn’t mean you can’t make dad jokes.

What’s crazy about the trip is that it is really all exes. Austen dated both Madison and Olivia and (maybe, probably) got it on with Taylor. Shep and Taylor dated. Whitney has one of Taylor’s nudes. Rod tried to make something happen with Olivia for show reasons, but it’s done. Heck, I feel like JT and Rod might be dating once we learned that JT shaved Rod’s back and Rod shaved JT’s butt cheeks for the trip. But why are these guys shaving? Isn’t there a gentleman’s grooming salon in Charleston that will do these waxings for a modest sum? I bet there’s even one that would have given them free waxings for camera time. They should ask their gay friend Rodrigo where to go. Speaking of which, I can’t believe he’s not on the cast trip and we will not be treated to images of him in a Speedo. He says he can’t come because of work, but could it also be because of Jamaica’s horrible record on gay rights?

The best events of the episode, however, didn’t happen in Jamaica or even on-camera. Apparently, after Patricia’s Gentleman’s Dinner last episode, Taylor texted Austen and Shep to come hang out with her. When Shep left, Taylor booty- called him, and he shot her down. But did you peep the text? “I’m asking if you’re good or not?” Taylor texted. When Shep said he was fine, she said, “Ha, I’m asking dick-wise.” Okay, this is the worst sext ever. Asking if someone is okay “dick wise” to me, a raging homosexual, means either “Is your dick big enough?” or “Are you getting enough dick?” Two questions that you certainly don’t want to be asking a drunken straight man.

The worst part, though, is she then said she was going to hang out with Austen, trying to use him to make Shep jealous once again. Taylor is behaving like an absolute lunatic. Maybe she thinks that if the cameras aren’t there then no one is looking or will talk about it? Leva has a chat with her and tells us in confession that she doesn’t think Taylor is a bad person, she’s just going through a bad breakup. I agree with her. I don’t think Taylor is really horrible, but she sure is acting like it these days.

But it’s a weird thing to be on this show. As previously noted, it’s all exes on the trip. Maybe Taylor would be able to get over Shep and make firmer boundaries if she wasn’t literally being forced to hang out with him for a paycheck. The same goes for Austen and Madison a few seasons back, and Austen and Olivia this season. Taylor is trapped in some kind of danger zone where she has to replay the worst parts of her relationship on a regular basis. But at least she’s getting the bad parts. Craig (of all people!) is very perceptive about Austen and Olivia, telling Austen that he only remembers the good parts of their relationship, but it ended for a reason and she should remember that.

Maybe Austen’s therapist could be doing this work. He went to see her for the second time this season and tells her he’s going on a cast trip to Jamaica. “Who’s going?” she asks, and Austen starts rattling off the names. Do you think she’s a fan? Do you think she watches the show? I mean, I forced my therapist to watch the new season of RHONY. I don’t think it would be out of bounds, but not entirely sure on the ethics of this situation. Hmm. Something for Deirdre and me to mull over during our next session.

We’re still not in Jamaica yet, because Madison is going to her gyno to get her IUD taken out so that hot-ass husband of hers can put the world’s most attractive baby in her uterus. The gyno’s name is Dr. Pound, which is the best name for a gyno, because so often after you go to Pound Town you end up in Dr. Pound’s office just a few weeks later.

Now that everyone is cleared for travel (and only Madison and Venita were upgraded to business), they arrive in Jamaica, and Austen and Olivia are already flirting. They’re just back to their old tricks, and Rod is standing nearby remembering JT’s hairy ass and Craig is trying to explain to the bartender the love rhombus that is currently going on among the cast.

They arrive at the hotel, and Craig tells them they’re meeting in 90 minutes for dinner. As everyone filters downstairs, Madison scopes JT wearing a blue-striped button-down and khakis and says, “You look like you’re about to sell real estate in Charleston,” which is the meanest read I have ever heard but delivered with a side of honey so he doesn’t even notice. Meanwhile, Madison is wearing what can only be described as a repurposed ’70s macramé hanging-plant holder, which I mean as a compliment.

Madison comes in handy after dinner while talking to Austen on the beach alone. She tells him that she thinks he’s in love with Taylor, but we all know about her using him again to make Shep jealous and know that ship has sailed. The conclusion he’s come to, however, is that he’s in love with Olivia. What? I didn’t even think this relationship was real. Now he’s saying that he went to therapy just so that he could get Olivia back. However Olivia is saying, in her confessional, that she knows logically Austen isn’t the person for her because he’s too manipulative. This episode might have been drier than the hush puppies served up at dinner, but with these new revelations, it looks like the rest of the trip might be spicier than the curried (not horny, Austen!) goat.

VULTURE NEWSLETTER

By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice and to receive email correspondence from us.

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7t8HLrayrnV6YvK57wKuropucmny0u9Stn56qnmKwqa3RpmSrnZOWvW6%2FxJqqqKZdbnqmvMispp2dXWZ%2Bb7TTpqM%3D