Is 'The Machine' Based on a True Story?

The Big Picture

• Bert Kreischer's movie, The Machine , is a partially true story about his college trip to Russia, involving encounters with Russian gangsters.
• The details of the story may be embellished, but Kreischer did rob a train at the request of the gangsters, as confirmed by a classmate's photos.
• The Machine fictionalizes Kreischer's story by adding family issues and a missing pocket watch plotline, but it is rooted in the train heist story.

Bert Kreischer's The Machine is the partially true tale of the comedian’s wild trip to Russia during his college years. Kreischer spent a semester abroad to enhance his poor Russian language skills. While there, he had an encounter with some Russian gangsters that he would never forget. The story grew in notoriety and eventually inspired a film thanks to its enduring popularity as a mainstay in Kreisher’s standup routine. As we dig into the true details of this insane story, we’ll see how it’s both unbelievably true in some cases, and undeniably untrue in others.

The Machine (2023)

Bert's drunken past catches up with him 20 years down the road when he and his father are kidnapped by those Bert wronged 20 years ago while drunk on a college semester abroad in Russia.

What Is the True Story Behind 'The Machine'?

Bert Kreischer first entered public consciousness via a Rolling Stone article that dubbed him “the top partyer at the number one party school in the country.” This article and Kreischer’s legendary party antics inspired the 2002 comedy Van Wilder, starring Ryan Reynolds as the titular character loosely based on Kreischer. The supposed “number one party school in the country” at the time was Florida State University, which Kreischer attended for a whopping seven years before finally earning a B.A. in English. He also studied Russian, apparently intending to sign up for Spanish. According to Bert Kreischer's standup routine, he struck a deal with his Russian teacher that if he just showed up to class, he would get a C. Despite taking four semesters of Russian, he barely learned the language.

Bert Kreischer’s Russian teacher informed him that the school was planning a trip to Russia, and if Kreischer went along, he’d earn a minor in Russian. Kreischer agreed to go, assuming it would be a fun and easy way to earn some credits. When he and his classmates voyaged to Russia in 1995, there were an estimated 3 million people involved in organized crime in the country, according to a report in the International Review of Modern Sociology. The report also tallied the number of Russian gangs at around 5,700. In other words, the mob was extraordinarily prevalent and influential. According to Kreischer, his school hired two gangsters to escort the class around Russia and ensure their safety. Although the students were instructed not to speak to these mafia goons, it wasn’t long before Kreischer attempted to strike up a conversation in Russian. But between his nerves and poor language skills, he ended up telling the gangsters in Russian, “I am the machine!”

'The Machine': Cast, Trailer, Plot, and Everything We Know So Far

The action-comedy is based on Bert Kreischer's viral stand-up story about his college trip to Russia.

The Russian mobsters thought Kreischer’s enthusiastic declaration was hilarious and quickly took a liking to the Florida State frat boy. They all did shots together until late in the evening, or, more accurately, early in the morning. When Kreischer and his classmates traveled to Moscow on an overnight train, his new mob friends introduced him to Moscow-based gangsters and sang The Machine’s praises. The Moscow goons immediately brought Kreischer into the luxurious first-class car, which was filled with food and booze. After some partying, the gangsters asked Kreischer to get behind the bar cart and grab the money out of it. At first, thinking this order might be a “lost in translation” moment, it then dawned on Kreischer what his new friends were telling him to do: rob the train’s bar cart.

Not knowing what else to do, Kreischer took the money, as he details in his stand-up. His class trip chaperone, realizing what he’d done, yelled at him. But one of the gangsters spat vodka into the chaperone's face, telling her to back off. Then he showed Kreischer a ring of keys and told him they would rob the entire train that night. Kreischer went along with the plan and first robbed his classmates while they were sleeping. After finishing their great heist, Kreischer and the mobsters drank themselves into oblivion until they arrived in Moscow early the next morning. When Kreischer looked out at the train platform, he saw his entire class accompanied by police officers. Believing the jig was up, Kreischer approached the officer expecting to be arrested. But then, according to Kresischer’s routine, the officer simply laughed and said he wanted to party with The Machine.

Did Bert Kreischer's Train Heist Story Actually Happen?

It’s unclear exactly how much of this train heist story is true. In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Bert Kreischer discussed his struggle to come up with a good ending to the story. So the conclusion of the story in which the cop wants to party with him is probably not true. Kreischer has also told the story several times in different mediums, including on Vulture’s Good One podcast and in his own book. Some of the details change depending on which version of the story he tells, but in general most of the basic facts remain consistent, especially the part where he robs a train at the behest of Russian gangsters. A classmate of Kreischer’s who was on the train when it was robbed, uploaded some of her photos to Facebook, confirming that she and her classmates were robbed on the train and that Bert hung out with mobsters. She also wrote that she “didn’t know how much Bert was involved until years later.” In all likelihood, the story is probably embellished but generally true.

How Does 'The Machine' Fictionalize Bert Kreischer's Story?

In the movie, The Machine, Kreischer’s life story is fictionalized quite a bit. In the movie, he’s portrayed as a once-popular comedian with some serious family issues that have landed him in therapy. His father (played by Mark Hamill) suddenly shows up at a party right before a Russian woman demands he return a pocket watch he apparently stole onboard the train. She kidnaps him, threatens to kill his daughter, and brings him to Russia to find the missing pocket watch. His father tags along and hijinks ensue.

Pretty much everything that occurs in The Machine is a fictionalized extended riff on the train heist story, although there are flashbacks to Kreischer’s college days that reference true events. Ironically, much of the film involves the character Kreischer trying to remember the details of his time in Russia decades ago, while his father doubts the veracity of his son’s stories. Regardless of exactly what is true or not true, there’s no doubt that Kreischer’s wild times in Russia spawned a remarkable amount of comedic material.

The Machine is currently streaming on Netflix in the U.S.

WATCH ON NETFLIX

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